We spend a lot of time debunking myths about what women want in bed. We’re always trying to clarify what it is that women want, because it genuinely seems like nobody understands. However, we are often so focused on how everyone is getting women’s sexuality wrong that we’re overlooking some long-standing myths about men’s sexuality and the things that they want.
Just like women, men aren’t a monolith: not every man wants the same things, and assuming that they do is doing men a disservice, the same way pigeonholing women’s sexuality is doing a disservice to them. Pigeonholing what men want for no reason is a very good way to have a lot of people totally misinformed about sex in general, so we thought it would be a great idea to take some of the more damaging myths and break down exactly why they’re wrong.
Some of these myths are pretty easy to see through, but others are insidious because many people still believe them to be true, despite psychology, science, and our personal relationships showing that they’re not true. Here are some really harmful myths about male sexuality that we all need to make go away as quickly as possible.
Men want sex all the time
Any woman who’s ever been in a relationship with a guy who has a lower libido than her or is just plain distracted more often than not knows that men most emphatically do not want sex all the time. This is a great way to portray men as sex crazed maniacs when that’s definitely not the case. This is even putting aside asexuality, because men are totally capable of being asexual.
Actually, a 2011 study debunked this one, but many people still believe it
That study found that male college students think about sex more than female college students did, but it also found that they thought about food and sleep more than females did, too. Perhaps the focus on physical needs for men is just a way their brains work, but it just goes to show that men have more to think about than sex, and many men don’t want sex at all.
Men want sex and will pick it over relationships every time
We’ve been fed a massive fiction about men. That fiction is that men will pick sex over relationships in any situation. This is sometimes the reason why some women will dismiss a man’s desire for a relationship out of hand, because they think that that man is full of crap.
Men want relationships more than women do
That was the findings of a 2010 study that proved that two thirds of men would rather have a girlfriend they didn’t have sex with rather than lots of sex but no girlfriend. 66% of men in that study also said they’d be happy in a relationship without sex. Men aren’t just Don Juans or Casanovas, and assuming they are is doing them a major disservice.
Guys can get it up all the time
We’re going to put aside medical issues like erectile dysfunction for a moment, because that’s an issue that doesn’t have much to do with this. Lots of men have been in situations where they’re turned on, but they don’t get an erection for whatever reason. Just because a man isn’t sporting an erection doesn’t mean he’s not turned on.
This is even putting aside the non-sexual erections men get
Lots of men find themselves with a morning erection every morning, regardless of the dreams they had the night before. Regardless, sex isn’t just an erection, and if we’re really going to get philosophical here, sex isn’t just body parts and mechanics, either.
Guys always orgasm if the sex is good
Let’s be real, when it comes to women, good sex for them doesn’t actually require a man to ejaculate. Most women get off clitorally, which happens in foreplay, so many women can have great sex even if the guy never orgasms. Orgasms are great and all, but men don’t need to worry about orgasming specifically for the woman’s sake.
Men ejaculate every time
This isn’t even taking into consideration orgasms without ejaculation. Yes, it’s totally possible for men to orgasm without ejaculating. The guys who are able to tap into this are able to have multiple orgasms and have a lot of consistent sexual energy. More often than not, when a man learns how to do this, they very rarely want to go back to ejaculating every single time.
Guys love long sex all the time
Anyone in a relationship knows the value of a quickie, and they also know that quickies aren’t about laziness or a lack of romance. In actuality, some sex therapists encourage quickies and see them as a vital part of maintaining intimacy.
For those men and women who know the value of a quickie, it’s about connection
Let’s face it, the average person doesn’t have time to draw out sex all the time. Some men might feel that having longer sex is the way to go, but not only do they not have to have that all the time, a lot of men don’t want that all the time. On top of that, sometimes sex is like track. Some people are wired better for sprints, and some can run long distance.
Guys need all of the control
This myth is particularly dangerous because it puts all of the responsibility of sexual initiation and control on the man. That can actually lead to a lack of equality in a relationship and a loss of passion.
Men want to feel wanted
Men like getting chased and pursued as much as women do. Many men find that nothing is sexier than a woman who knows what she wants and doesn’t wait for it to be handed to her but goes out and takes it. Women don’t need to be shackling men to their beds unless that’s something they want to do, but a bit more initiation on the part of the woman could very well be welcomed.
Men are never virgins
Guys, there is no need for you to pretend you are more experienced than you actually are. Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, many men go out of their way to pretend that they’ve lost their virginities when they haven’t. One Psychology Today study shows that men believe that their peers are way more sexually experienced than they actually are.
While research points to men having more sex, the math is just off
One federal survey showed that men had an average of seven female sex partners while women had four male sex partners. According to David Gale, an emeritus professor of mathematics, “Surveys and studies to the contrary notwithstanding, the conclusion that men have substantially more sex partners than women is not and cannot be true for purely logical reasons.” Rest easy, guys: chances are the people around you are as clueless as you are.
Not every man is a sex guru
This myth kind of ties together all of the others. Believing every man is a sex guru, regardless of the impression want to give out, is really reductive thinking. We need to start grounding our beliefs about sex in facts and not in meaningless myths that only serve to damage intimacy