This is one of the most important questions when it comes to romantic relationships. A great number of studies that have been conducted prove that we really can control love. Because in general, this is just a basic psychological emotion like fear, joy, pity, and other emotions that can be regulated if they are monitored well. So, how do we use psychology and psychological tricks to learn to make others fall in love with us?
Bright Side has found out that, in fact, love is not about “fate.” This is a collaboration of biological, chemical, and psychological mechanisms. It is possible to find the right approach to these and use them for your own purposes.
The most important thing you need to understand is that the other person must at least have minimal feelings for you. Then, you will be able to turn these into real, deep feelings, easily and quickly.
1. Don’t get ice cream on the first date
Social psychologist John Bargh who works at Yale University studies the role of unconscious processing on social behavior. Some of his studies found an interesting connection between the body temperature of a person and their psychological state.
It turned out that when we are physically warm, we are more likely to be nice and friendly to other people. This trick may really come in handy, for example, during a first date when it’s especially important to gain the person’s trust. So remember this and make sure that in the future you choose only warm places, foods, and drinks so that every meeting you have (both romantic and business-related) goes well.
2. The advantages of extended eye contact
Harvard psychologist Zick Rubin conducted a study to try to understand if it’s possible to measure love. He found the answer in the eyes, or more specifically, in the frequency and duration that people look at each other. He found that that couples who are deeply in love look at each other 75% of the time during a conversation and that they stop looking at each other reluctantly. In a normal conversation, people look at each other from 30% to 60% of the time.
However, looking into someone’s eyes may not only be a consequence of being in love but it could be the reason. When you look at someone for a long time and you do it frequently, you trick the person’s mind because it remembers what the “love look” is. So, it starts thinking romantically about you. The nervous system starts producing phenethylamine which causes the sensations that we have when we fall in love: “butterflies in the stomach,” an increased heart rate, warm palms. How could anyone resist?
3. Tell them something awkward about yourself
It’s obvious that an open and a communicative person has more chances to be liked. So there is nothing surprising about the fact that if you fearlessly share facts about yourself and your life, you make other people like you.
According to a study conducted by the scientists from Harvard Business School, 79% of subjects preferred to be open and sincere people during first dates. They didn’t hide anything, even when it came to weird habits, tastes, awkward situations that happened to them, and even negative character traits. Because it works just like secrets: when we tell someone a secret, there is a special connection between us and the person based on trust and understanding.
4. Don’t do anything. Just let them do something for you
When we do a good thing or help someone, we feel good. We are happy with ourselves and have very warm emotions for the person we helped. When we justify our effort, we idealize the person we were so generous to and convince ourselves that they deserve this treatment. As a result, we have an emotional anchor and start liking the person even more.
On the other hand, when someone does something for us, we like it too. But it’s about different emotions and not all of them are very positive. We mostly feel as if we owe to the person and we need to pay them back. Things are even harder when this is someone we don’t really like. So, we should keep this psychological effect in mind.
5. Make up a secret language just for the 2 of you
This is about inside jokes, special words, and unique gestures that happen between people when they find common ground and become truly close. Maybe you like the same movie, comedy show, song, book, or even meme. And maybe the joke appeared spontaneously during your first date, a walk together, or a meeting. Don’t ignore these little things.
When you find and use this phrase in your everyday communication, you will take your relationship to whole new level. The relationship will become even stronger and more intimate. The scientists from Texas University came to this conclusion in their study. We all want to be special and unique, and this secret language helps us feel that we understand each other better than anyone else.
6. The size of the pupils matter
In a study from the 60s and 70s, scientists researched the connection between the size of the pupil and the attractiveness of a person. They showed men 2 photos of the same woman. The photos were identical except for one little detail — in one of the photos, the pupils of the lady were bigger. As a result, the men liked the edited photo more even though nobody noticed the difference in eyes.
There is a way to use this effect to your advantage. Of course, you can’t change the size of your pupil on purpose, but you can make the conditions right, for example, dim the light. Use candles instead of regular lights. Or plan to go to a restaurant that is famous for its relaxing atmosphere.
7. Be near them often… But then, make them miss you
In our dreams, we can all find someone we like, tell them about our feelings, and live together happily ever after. In the real world, things are not that easy, that’s why people need to come up with special tactics.
Of course, it’s important to spend more time together when the feeling is mutual. In order to know each other better, to break the ice and build a connection, you need to spend some time together. But after several dates, psychologists recommend to take a break (even if you don’t want to) to make a deficit of your presence in the other person’s life. This move achieves several things:
You won’t get tired of each other (over time, feelings stop being so new, and in order to keep them alive, you need to play hard-to-get);
The person gets the chance to understand how nice and important this relationship has become for them (limited and rare things are always more desired);
You can take control of your own emotions and think clearly.
8. Make a positive association
You can program someone else’s brain by repeating the same thoughts over and over again. This is why it’s so important to carefully choose words when communicating with people who are very important to us.
You can use this principle to improve your image. The better you present yourself, the more positive thoughts you will leave in a person’s mind even when you are not around. And it doesn’t really matter if you are really so positive (everyone has their flaws). The only thing that matters here is how you are perceived and how you want to be perceived.